In order to understand this blog please read the following previous blogs:
Being a Gentleman a.k.a. The Mysterious Oompa Loompa
BFW Personal Mini Blog Trilogy: Possible Oompa Loompa Sighting Part 1
BFW Personal Mini Blog Trilogy: Here Comes The Crazy Train Part 2
First of all, I'd like to thank everyone that's taken the time to read my blog :) .. even more so, I'd like to thank those of you that know me and were concerned enough to check up on me! Big Hugs! That was the Barney portion of the blog... Is Barney still around btw?? lol.
Aaand she's back! The crazy train has left the building and I'm back! Woohoo! So over this last week I had some new developments.Firstly, I've asked some guys for feedback in terms of what they thought about the blog. All of them were on the same page in terms of liking the blog and what I had to say. Although they all couldn't believe I got fooled, they were all in full agreement that I needed to get laid lol.. Surprise surprise. Because that's a man's prescription for everything lol.. Lost a foot? You need to get laid! Stomach hurting you? You need to get laid! Got something in your eye? You need to get laid! Tired of being pregnant? You need to get laid! ( Actually that one is true! ) Lol.. If only the worlds problems could be solved with sex lol.
One guys comments triggered some self reflection though. I asked four different guys from four different walks of life for their opinion. The only thing they have in common is that they are male. With the guy we're talking about let's call him Greg. I met Greg through Craigslist once upon a time ago when I posted an ad looking for a fwb. We've never actually met but we've messaged here and there over months. At first he said he liked it. I had warned him that it was an angry blog and after reading it he agreed. He said he liked it but it was just one woman's opinion. The second part of that statement triggered some yellow flags. For me this was a passive aggressive signal so I wanted to hear what was the truth because that's what I'm after. If I ask for someone's opinion, give it to me. The good with the bad. Don't tell me what you THINK I want to hear. The other guys on the panel know this and I've told this guy more than once but he was still with the passive aggressiveness... until I pushed him. I said I was going to stop asking for his opinion because he didn't really get me. Oh boy! That pushed him right over the edge. He said I needed to stop analyzing everything! Lol... ummm this is the point of asking for feedback! So that you can analyze it and make it better! I'm not asking for a pat on the back! I want to know if I'm heading in the right direction with this blog. After that I got a slew of messages saying I'm self-righteous, entitled, insecure, I over think a lot, my recent experiences have left me doubting myself.. it's very palpable, my thinking came from the 50's, I live in a land of make believe, I don't read, I don't listen, I'm annoying, not to smart ( his exact words were " I can't believe you didn't know you were getting played!") and that he "doesn't like girls that think they should be put on a pedestal cause they have a vagina.". Apparently he thinks that I think I deserve to be treated like a princess.. talk about not reading! Guys, I said that was what made those three weeks great! He made me FEEL special. and that he treated me like a princess not that I deserved to be treated like one. I deserve respect. And anything I expect I give in return. Well at least I finally got some honesty out of him! lmao.. After a while I say I'm going to stop now because you're pissed and this conversation isn't getting better. You seem to think I'm a terrible person and I can't change that." He said " I don't think you're terrible at all. I think you can get really annoying because you don't listen or read. You just want to get your point across." Ummm... Does anyone else see how this statement is contradictory? I'm not a terrible person in his eyes but I'm entitled, self-righteous... etc? Lol God help me, if that's not a terrible person what is in this guys book?? I did ask and he failed to comment. The devil must look like an angel in his books too! Lol.
Shortly thereafter, I asked the other guys to read the article and give me their honest feedback. Now these guys know me much better. They get my vision for this blog so they don't mind the questions and they give me hardcore truth and reality.. politely and maturely... Because we're adults. Mature adults. I quickly came to realize that this guy and his opinions were all on his own. The other guys didn't make the same comments. The only thing they said they weren't wild about was seeing me exact any kind of revenge on the other guy, Paul. They all thought I should let it go. As for Greg, they along with myself, think my articles may have hit a sensitive nerve so the guy lashed out at me. Meh. If the other guys were on board with his thinking this would cause me to sit back and reflect because that is not the person I am and that is not who I would like to be perceived as so what I had to figure out was if his assessment of me was accurate or not. Having talked to the other guys I believe that his assessment was inaccurate. I hit a nerve with Greg which is unfortunate because he's actually quite intelligent but obviously not a big fan of mine lol. Ah well, what can you do? Like I said I'm not made for everybody. I'm a tough cookie. I'm hard to handle and I know it. The good part is as hard as I might be to handle I'll always have a friend's back. I'm trustworthy, I'm honest, I'm loyal, I have a good heart and I'm one of few hard ass women that's willing to give you guys a bird's eye view into a woman's mind. Tough as shit as we are, we still have a soft spot in some places here and there. Even a strong woman is not perfect or invincible. I let you guys see my vulnerability because I want you to understand that as much as I am a strong woman, even when I get knocked down, I have to get back up. Sometimes it takes a little longer but I will get back up and continue on my little journey. But don't mistake my vulnerability for weakness or insecurity. Because this is the side you don't see. You don't get to see our hurt, our pain, our anger because we are resilient and we wear fabulous designer masks! Lol
So what happened with Paul? A month has passed since that last conversation where he asked me to be his girlfriend then disappeared. It took me 3 weeks before I could write that last article because I was SO pissed off. Most people think it's because I really liked the guy. More than I should have. But that wasn't it. If you guys really read the article it was because of the utter lack of respect. The common denominator in all my articles. If he had just said something I would've been fine. Maybe a little disappointed but definitely not anywhere near Crazy Mode.
I'm talking to my Ex/Friend ( yes, a man and woman that were involved but are now friends! Shocking right??! lol). We've been Ex's for over 10 yrs, let's call him Xavier lol. We're talking about this last post and I am just venting! I'm mad at men, I'm mad at the world ARRRRGGHH! Lol Poor guy but he's a good guy for listening to me :) . Anyway right in the middle of us talking my other line beeps! I'm thinking WTF? It's 1am.. who's calling me now? I look at the phone and isn't it... Paul??! W. T. F. That was a shocker! I tell Xavier who it is and he gets all excited! He wants me to answer it. As much as I want to, I refuse. Xavier says "See how you women say you're not into games but you're playing games now." I explained myself. Guys, at 1 am you have no business calling me. If you want to speak to me you can call me at a respectable time especially when you know you're in the wrong. Secondly, I was in a pissed off state so how do you guys think that conversation would go down?? Not very well right? Xavier understood where I was coming from right then and there.Talking to a woman while she's at the height of being pissed is dangerous to your health lol. If he was serious he could call me tomorrow.
The message light started flashing. Xavier got excited again he wanted me to check it and call him right back.. you guys love drama more than women sometimes lmao ;) . While trying to retrieve the message Paul calls back so I can't answer the message! Sally ( that's my phone's name) starts asking me "Are you still there??" And I'm like "Hell ya i'm still here!" lol I have to wait until it stops ringing. When I pick up the message it's club noise. Just the one message though even though he called twice...
I eventually can't contain myself anymore and send the following message later on. " Are you serious? You're pocket dialing me from a club? At least your phone has the balls to attempt to say something... Twice." Almost immediately I get the following text messages " I'm sorry" "I'm with Shane West from Nikita and Jackie from Bold and the Beautiful." Lol Like I give a fuck??! " How are you?" "I'm at cinema" .. Are you guys ready? Here comes my favorite part... "I was in Greece for a month and forgot my phone here." "You don't want to talk to me anymore?" OMG. Can I tell you when I read these messages most of my anger dissolved because I realized two things. 1. He really was just an asshole in sheep's clothing and 2. He realized that whatever girl he was currently dating he wasn't to wild about so he's trying to hop back onto my train. If he was happy with the other girl I would've never heard from him again... so now he's starting to doubt his choice! How so? Because he took the time to think up a lie and lying requires much more energy than the truth and you'd only do it if you were trying to get back what you lost because you believe or are worried they won't accept the truth.I swear I just gave birth to a child because I feel 10 pounds lighter! Who needs Jenny Craig??! Faaaabu!
Now guys, I have already said, I'm a fair woman because I am. My reply was " If you're really sorry call me one of these days and we'll meet up somewhere to talk. I'm not making any promises but I can at least say I'll hear you out." I believe in trying to give some people the benefit of the doubt... not to mention at this point I want to hear if the lying will continue or will he grow a pair of balls.. like his iPhone did ;) lol .. Btw, in hindsight, I believe he called and not his pocket. Why? He was to quick to reply after my first message. When you pocket dial from a club most times it's hours later plus a hangover when you realize people are messaging you that you pocket dialed them at whatever time in the morning lol.
The next morning I message him to say " So were those real or drunk texts last night?" He says " Let me call you when I get over this crazy hang over. Shane West is a crazy mother fucker!!!" I tell him I'll be available after 10 pm. Listen guys at that point I had work then plans afterward. I'm not stopping or interrupting my plans for this guy so if he's serious he can call me after 10pm. 10 pm came and went no call. I called and left the following message. " With a last name like yours, one that signifies courage and bravery it's unfortunate that you don't have any. You have the last name but you don't embody it and that's unfortunate and shameful. That your iPhone has more balls than you do is quite telling. I'm disappointed not only in you but in myself for believing in you. Our last date (mystery dinner theatre) when I was the only one at the whole table to figure out who the murderer was, should have been an indication that I have a few more brain cells than the average woman you're used to dating. And then you come with an excuse like, I was in Greece and forgot my phone here?? In the age of communication you couldn't find a WiFi, a laptop, an email address or at the very least email through the dating site we met on? Come on, it's been over a month, even you can't be that dense. It's sad and pathetic and I don't need it or you. Have a nice life and don't call me again." When he pocket dialed me again conveniently at 1am again ( his phone has an interesting habit of ignoring me for a whole month and then all of a sudden I get pocket dialed only at 1 am! Go figure! :-s lol) I sent a message the next day saying " Hi Paul... please delete my number. The pocket dialing is unnecessary. Thanks." That's the end of that.
To finish off this Tale of Wonder and Horror lol, I want to share a quote with you and summarize. " If you can recognize illusion as illusion, it dissolves. The recognition of illusion is also it's ending. It's survival depends on your mistaking it for reality. In the seeing of who you are not, the reality of who you are emerges by itself." Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth. I promised one of the guys I'd read it.. still reading lol. This is a very powerful quote because it was so true. Let's face it, I got duped. Probably because I wanted to believe. I want to believe in you guys. I've always supported and defended men. Here I am still trying to offer help, advice, insight.. a laugh lol.. whatever it is that you get from this blog. In my line of work I see the men I describe and they're married but because of them, I know these types of men exist, they're just rare. I see the joy that these women have because of the man in their lives. The point is I saw an illusion for 3 weeks. Later I recognized the illusion. And when I did, it ended and his real self emerged. I saw what he was and I refused to be fooled any longer. I took control of the situation and let him know he lost. Does he give a crap? I don't care. I am absolved. This was about him being an ass and not me being unworthy. I care that I saved myself and I know what I am. I am a kick ass woman.
As usual, I appreciate any feedback, opinions, thoughts... as long as they're expressed maturely :-) Have a Happy Halloween! And once again, Allo and Guten Tag to my German friends, Zdravstvuj to my
Russian friends, Hallo to my friends in the Netherlands and Hello to my UK friends!! :D Add me on Facebook at Bf Whisperer.. :)
Back to my usual blogging...
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